That which is in a (relationship) name, or, “How do I refer to your Plus-One (or More)”?
Names that define us are sometimes thrust upon us, sometimes gifted thoughtfully, and sometimes chosen for us by ourselves. Each of us has many names — both those that define us as individuals (given names, family names, taxpayer/social-service numbers…) and those that define us in relation to others (parent, child, co-worker, friend…)
It’s common for humans to “spin off” parts of our individual selves with pen names, stage names, online handles, and aliases. Less subject to change are our family relationships: we (almost) never stop being our parents’ children, or our children’s parents regardless of our age, gender identity, or sexuality. Somewhere in-between fall our gendered relationship names (“mother”, “father”), our elder-relative names (“aunt”, “uncle”), and our (for lack of a better term) romantic-relationship identities.
While the terms parents, children, siblings, and cousins (as well as the singular they) seem to work within today’s more nuanced understandings of gender identity, our society has not settled upon a standard relationship-identity-name for a parent’s non-binary sibling or a sibling’s non-binary child (neither aunt nor uncle, not nephew or niece, but… what?) [And let’s not get started on those languages which have no neuter gender or whose neuter gender is restricted to non-humans…]
What is a Plus-One (Or More)? “Plus One” on an invitation traditionally means, “You are responsible for bringing your own person-to-make-up-an-even-pair,” which could be anyone from a business colleague to a widowed parent to an honest-to-goodness (potential) romantic interest. “(or More)” expands the concept to polyamory.
In a society which is much more sexually-permissive than the1960s suburbian America in which I grew up, there’s potential confusion about how should one refer to the person (or persons) with whom another most-closely associates by choice (in short, our usual Plus-Ones). Not all of our living, social, or familial relationships imply “benefits” (in the sense of “friends with benefits”), nor should they.
Our “Plus-One (or More)” relationship identities generally fall along the continuum of familiar, familial, romantic/sexual, and cohabitant. Plus-Ones who are familiar include friends, colleagues (co-workers or business acquaintences), and chaperones (older adults — usually women — meant to keep teenaged children and unmarried women “safe”). Those who are familial include spouses, parents, siblings, children, and other relatives.
When we move from the familiar and familial into the romantic/sexual and cohabitant classifications, things begin to get a bit less neat and tidy. While one might call one’s cohabitants “roommates” or “housemates”, these terms are sometimes used as euphemisms for “romantic partners” where that relationship isn’t (or can’t be) openly acknowledged. While one’s love interest might be called one’s “partner”, that can be confused with “small-business partner” — and while there are many businesses that are owned by life partners (another euphemism for “romantic partner”), most are not.
Unless one is certain of the legal status of a romantic/sexual Plus-One (or More), using a spousal term can become a legal nightmare. In some jurisdictions, Y just saying, “X is my spouse” — or not denying it when Z says “X is Y’s spouse” — is enough to be legally married. This is why I usually refer to my (non-married) life-mate as my “Other Half”. [What would be the equivalent of that if I were living in a Trinity or larger polyamory?]
And then there’s the concept of identifying a romantic partner with the “-friend” nomenclature: boyfriend, girlfriend, “special” friend. Because its not exclusively used in a sexual sense, I’ll sometimes miss that a woman’s “girlfriend” is her romantic interest. [What’s the appropriate “-friend” term if your love interest is non-binary? (Is there one?)]
That said, since it is none of my business what you do in your private life, I need to take my cue from you. If you tell me “Alex” is your partner, I’ll refer to Alex as your partner, with whichever set of pronouns Alex chooses to identify (though it may take me a couple of tries to remember). If you call Alex your “husband”, “wife”, or “t’hy’la” (a term from Star Trek fandom), I’ll refer to him or her (or zie, or they) as such. And if you refer to Amy, Birdi, Tom, and Xmtfly as your spouses or bond-mates, I need to accept them as such.
But as someone curious about the evolution of language who is trying to improve her knowledge (and thereby respect level), what are the appropriate words (I suspect there are, or will be, several options) to fill in those blanks?