Passing, or Being Passed — And What’s in that Closet, Anyway?

Is it forced assimilation when you don’t ask for it and don’t buy into it?

We all pigeonhole other people.

Well, we classify them in several ways.

First, the obvious: age, skin color (“race”), obvious health issues, clothing choices, personal presentation, apparent wealth (or lack thereof), and any obvious religious symbols.

Then, the less obvious: do they move consistently with the age and gender as which they present? What’s the timber of their voice? Their accent? Their localisms — or foreignisms?

And the social: who, if anyone, are they with? What sort of body language connects them to each other?

For each generation and locality, there are different sets of pigeonholes we use. As an example, I grew up without a set of sexuality pigeonholes, so I tend to presume everyone’s hetero unless they are extreme caricatures of something other.

In short, I’m guilty of “passing” everyone as straight until told otherwise.

For some people, “passing” is, if not a goal, a useful tool in their social toolbox. It’s a way for some light-skinned People of Color to make their way into White Privilege. It’s a way for Queer people in societies that still kill gays and lesbians to survive (if not exactly thrive). It’s a way for people with certain chronic illnesses to avoid the unwarranted social stigma that often accompanies them. It’s a way for witches to avoid being burned at the stake.

But being passed — when someone “passes” you in a time and place where you are “out and proud” of your race, your religion, your health community, your gender… That’s someone or some institution not seeing you. It’s another sort of gaslighting — one that can be fatal.

So, what is in that closet?

Your family and your cultural history. Who your ancestors are/were, what they believed, what they endured, what they ate, how they spoke.

Your sexual freedom. The ability to love who you want, how you want.

Your gender identity. Just because you were born with two “sex chromosomes” doesn’t mean they’re the correct ones.

The freedom to practice your religion as you see fit. Whether it’s covered from head to toe or dancing naked in the forest, lighting a candle or facing the sun, shaving your head or never cutting a strand of your hair… these practices are sacred to you but may be foreign to “mainstream” America.

The ability to work, shop, access medical care, or even just continue living. For people with disabilities — and even moreso those with invisible illnesses, being shoved in the closet can mean the difference between accessibility and isolation, between care and neglect, and — if they can’t get to the medical care they need — life and death.

Is there a difference between gaslighting, being passed, and forced assimilation?

I think there are: differences in intent, intensity, and duration. Here’s my first-draft working model:

Someone “passing” you without knowing you is probably well-intentioned, although either old-fashioned, racist/ableist/etc or has social interaction issues. They probably don’t mean to misidentify you and will adapt when corrected.

Someone gaslighting you knows your truth, but consistently and actively denies it. They may think they know better than you and are doing it “for your own good”, but the reality is that they don’t want to adjust their thinking to accommodate you.

Forced assimilation is when someone actively tries to mold you into something you’re not — to change your appearance and your beliefs, to erase your culture or cultural history (okay, some of this probably also falls under “gaslighting”), to make you fit the “common mold” of whatever “mainstream society” you are in. (I’m thinking primarily of things like Residential Schools, and to a much lesser degree, the sort of secular-Christian agenda pushed in some US public schools.) The amount of exposure and information needed to assimilate even an adjacent culture can take months or years of training and is, for the indoctrination machine, a long-term goal.

But that’s my take. Your mileage (or kilometrage, or other valuation) may vary.